I’m going along with my pundits. The Nobel committee has been sucking wurst for a long time. But that’s not what brought me here tonight.
Did I scare somebody? Without trying, because I do enjoy scaring people every now and then. Fear gets better mileage than respect. But I may have inadvertently freaked some people out.
What it was, I may have given the impression that my ancestors owned slaves imported from Africa in the antebellum pre-Civil War Confederate States of America. This is, however, untrue.
I have access to the family bible. The oldest entries go back to like 1850 and they were all Yankees. Not a one of them ventured into Dixie, except for some kind of military training, if at all.
But the impression I was trying to give, and I can’t even prove it, comes from the stories I heard when I was a child. They told me I was directly descended from a guy who was born on a ship sloshing around in the Atlantic Ocean around 1780.
Now I ask you. Childbirth is a tricky thing. Back then they did not have doctors as we know them, or much understanding of germ theory and disease and infection, or hospitals as we know them, or the drugs we have now, or even electricity. So childbirth was really tricky then. So why would you risk a childbirth on a sailing vessel, knowing what those were like in 1780?
Arrgh. Just put ‘er up there on the table by the rooster, she’ll be fine. The only disinfectant we have is gunpowder, and salt, and rum, but I doubt the crew will like you usin’ the rum for that.
Methinks the ancestors were escaping certain persecution and death, running for their lives. The peasants had risen up and were chopping peoples’ heads off. Peasants previously indebted for life by a bond of fealty, which suddenly didn’t mean very much any more. Not slaves imported from Africa. Peasants.
Ne’er mind aboot the Africans enslavin’ each other all this time, or that the Barbary pirates had gotten away with it for a thousand years, and justified it by the Koran. This was pure simple pre-colonial European middle-ages feudalism at work, and I can’t prove a bloody bit of it.
So the ancestors bought tickets for the first ship they could get on.
Anything but face a mob of angry peasants. Sorry for the confusion. And I can’t prove any of it.
But no, this Nobel Peace Prize thing really takes the cake. Stuff don’t mean nothin’ no more.