Yesterday I was raking up leaves, and dead grass, and pecan shells, and pecans, and black walnuts… I guess I live in the land of Plenty of That… and I remembered this joke. I was just laughing and raking and I bet people wonder if I’m just crazy or what.
But this is a good Thanksgiving joke. This is one you could tell with the whole family gathered around the table. I would.
Little Johnny is visiting his grandparents. He’s sitting on the porch next to his grandpa. Grandpa takes a cigar out of his pocket and lights it, and starts blowing smoke rings and stuff. Johnny is fascinated so he says, “Grandpa, what are you doing?” Grandpa says, “I’m having a cigar.” Johnny says, “Can I have a cigar?” Grandpa leans back and says, “Well, that depends. Can your pecker touch your ass?”
This surprises Johnny and he quickly realizes that his pecker could never reach all the way around him and touch his ass so he says, “No, it’s not long enough.” Grandpa says, “Well, then, I guess you can’t have a cigar.”
Johnny is devastated but he gets over it and finds something else to do. After a while he comes back and sits on the porch next to his grandpa again. Grandpa is drinking a bottle of beer. Johnny asks, “Grandpa, what are you doing?” Grandpa tells him, “I’m having a beer.” And it looks so good, so Johnny asks, “Can I have a beer too?”
Grandpa thinks about this, and says, “Well, that depends. Does your pecker touch your ass?” And Johnny is like, here we go again, so he says, “No.” Then Grandpa tells him, “Well, then, I guess you can’t have a beer.”
Now Little Johnny is annoyed, because it seems the whole world is just shut off to him because his pecker can’t touch his ass. He’s thinking his grandpa must have a really long pecker to be able to smoke cigars and drink beers. How is he ever going to be able to do those things? And he finds something else to do.
After a while Little Johnny finds himself inside the house, where he smells yummy smells coming from the kitchen. He goes into the kitchen, and there’s Grandma, and she’s just baked a whole bunch of cookies. Grandma hands Little Johnny a plate with several cookies on it, and she says, “Here, Johnny. I made these cookies just for you.”
Little Johnny says, “Why, thank you, Grandma!” He’s smiling and looking at all the cookies on his plate. Grandma stops him and says, “Now, you don’t have to share these cookies with a ny bo dy. I made them just for you.” And she smiles and winks, and Johnny says, “Ohhhh. I get it. Thank you, Grandma!”
Little Johnny takes the plate of cookies outside and sits on the porch next to his grandpa. He begins eating a cookie, and he says, “Mmmm.” Grandpa looks down and says, “What are you doing?” Little Johnny says, “I’m eating cookies.” Grandpa says, “Boy, those cookies sure smell good.” Little Johnny says, “They are.”
Grandpa says, “Boy, those cookies look really good.” Little Johnny says, “Mmmm, oh yes, they are.” Grandpa says, “Can I have a cookie?” Now Little Johnny tries to look really thoughtful, as he’s eating a cookie, and he says, “Well, that depends. Does your pecker touch your ass?”
Grandpa says, “Hhhyeah, it does.”
Little Johnny says, “Well, good, then you can go FUCK yourself because Grandma made these cookies JUST for ME.”